i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sober January is a disaster.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
