Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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