I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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