you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
