I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
