Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
