what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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