We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize