I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
