guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
