Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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