I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
