he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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