I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
