So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize