i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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