Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
