What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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