just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
