dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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