if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
