Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
