I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
