If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
