I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
