so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
