Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
