Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
