then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
