I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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