I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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