my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
