so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
