The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
