My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm both gender and math confused
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
