i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize