She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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