Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
