You just made me feel so damn special
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my sisters under your porch take her home
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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