i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize