I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
please come you make the beer taste better
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
