My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
