I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
