Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
