i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
