in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
