Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
