I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
