God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
