Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this boner is exhausting
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
