I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
