Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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