Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize