Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
