Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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