If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
