Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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