Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
